So i scribbled this post-eulogy for my father who recently passed away cause it was a Father's day and am bitter like that. Kidding. It was timely that Sugar was also conducting a certain contest with regards to of course, DADs. I saw it last May and I honestly don't have the heart to join. When i attempted to type in any words, my hands go frigid.... my mind is in a total haze. Grosse pointe blank. The pain is just too much that I can literally drown in it. Father's day has passed and so I saw Sugar's contest ending soon. It took me around 6 drafts before sending it to Sugar, only to click on the trash bin afterwards.
I almost gave up when I saw tatay's framed pic and told him...
"Tay, busy ka? Usap naman tayo?"
|attempt #1: how to smile when you're actually grieving.|
The next day, all the thoughts just came pouring in. I first started getting a piece of paper and pen. My significant other just can't stand the sight of me weeping while making the draft. I said.. "Oo nga, sayang ung papel." He said, "No, sayang ung luha mo..sa tingin mo masaya si tatay na makitang ganyan ka? Kasi kahit ako di ko kayang nakikita ka rin nang ganyan" . With that it made me even cry more.
Why write again about my father you ask? I won't be a hypocrite. I did not shed a tear when my father was buried. Ask me why? I got no idea. Until now am still searching for the reason... a reasonable reason. Most friends say I always had a heart made of stone. I ask, "Whoever proved that a stone doesn't have a heart at all? So kung ang pan de sal naging matigas puedeng sabihin na .."Sobrang tigas mo, para kang tinapay!" Saglit, parang hindi yata bagay 'noh?
|attempt #2. effin fail.|
It's the first time that Father's day has passed that my one and only Elvis Presley is nowhere in sight...and I will definitely be NOT looking forward to the next..and to the next.. and to the next.
Am i myself's own nemesis? I honestly don't know what has gotten into yours truly.
Again, as I always utter- I am human, after all.
I breathe. I feel. I hurt. I bleed. I weep.
Still anticipating the day that I would tell myself...
"Kaya naman pala hindi ako umiyak".. hindi dahil sa ako'y nagmatigas kundi dahil _________________________.
|meet the UTOL. my one and only sibling love.|
Does anyone had the same experience? How are you now? Please I wanna hear from you.
They say the worst is over when the pain stops and the good memories start. But how do I know I didn't just skip to the good memories? Does anyone know the formula to end grief and mourning? I would like to think that my will to move on is an evidence of my strength.
|"From dust you are made and into dust you shall return".|
Thank you for this once in a blue moon opportunity Sugar. You are indeed a God's instrument, no doubt.
|I am wickeRmoss and|
I remain the destitute daughter of Mr. Carlito Lacson ,
now dealing with my hefty emotions,
waiting for an answer,
mourning for a father.