RANDOM CHAT: How to smile when you're actually Grieving.

So i scribbled this post-eulogy for my father who recently passed away cause it was a Father's day and am bitter like that. Kidding. It was timely that Sugar was also conducting a certain contest with regards to of course, DADs. I saw it last May and I honestly  don't have the heart to join. When i attempted to type in any words, my hands go frigid.... my mind is in a total haze. Grosse pointe blank. The pain is just too much that I can literally drown in it. Father's day has passed and so I saw Sugar's contest ending soon. It took me around 6 drafts before sending it to Sugar, only to click on the trash bin afterwards. 

I almost gave up when I saw tatay's framed pic and told him... 

"Tay, busy ka? Usap naman tayo?"

attempt #1: how to smile when you're actually grieving.

The next day, all the thoughts just came pouring in. I first started getting a piece of paper and pen. My significant other just can't stand the sight of me weeping while making the draft. I said.. "Oo nga, sayang ung papel." He said, "No, sayang ung luha mo..sa tingin mo masaya si tatay na makitang ganyan ka? Kasi kahit ako di ko kayang nakikita ka rin nang ganyan" . With that it  made me even cry more. 

Why write again about my father you ask? I won't be a hypocrite. I did not shed a tear when my father was buried.  Ask me why? I got no idea. Until now am still searching for the reason... a reasonable reason. Most friends say I always had a heart made of stone. I ask, "Whoever proved that a stone doesn't have a heart at all? So kung ang pan de sal naging matigas puedeng sabihin na .."Sobrang tigas mo, para kang tinapay!"  Saglit, parang hindi yata bagay 'noh?

attempt #2.  effin fail.

It's the first time that Father's day has passed that my one and only Elvis Presley is nowhere in sight...and I will definitely be NOT looking forward to the next..and to the next.. and to the next.

Am i myself's own nemesis? I honestly don't know what has gotten into yours truly. 

Again, as I always utter- I am human, after all. 

I breathe. I feel. I hurt.  I bleed. I weep. 

Still anticipating the day that I would tell myself...

"Kaya naman pala hindi ako umiyak".. hindi dahil sa ako'y nagmatigas kundi dahil _________________________.

meet the UTOL. my one and only sibling love.

Does anyone had the same experience? How are you now? Please I wanna hear from you.  

They say the worst is over when the pain stops and the good memories start. But how do I know I didn't just skip to the good memories? Does anyone know the formula to end grief and mourning? I would like to think that my will to move on is an evidence of my strength.

"From dust you are made and into dust you shall return". 

Thank you for this once in a blue moon opportunity Sugar. You are indeed a God's instrument, no doubt. 

I am wickeRmoss and
I remain the destitute daughter of Mr. Carlito Lacson ,
now dealing with my hefty emotions,
waiting for an answer,
mourning for a father.